


To All The Men I've Loved Before

by deandratb



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alvareider, F/M, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Other, Post-Season/Series 02 AU, this fic only has a tiny bit of Sylena throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22663159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandratb/pseuds/deandratb
Summary: Penelope spent her life writing love letters, which didn't seem like a terrible idea until the letters were mailed out and Schneider received one of them. Hoping to fool their exes, they agree to fake a relationship. But are they lying to everyone around them, or to themselves?
Relationships: Elena Alvarez/Syd, Penelope Alvarez/Schneider
Comments: 35
Kudos: 49





	1. haunted by the ghost of your precious love

**Author's Note:**

> Plot drawn from TATBILB then stretched enough to make it fun. My outline for this fic spans 27 chapters right now but I'm giving myself a little extra room just in case. 
> 
> I planned this out during the post-S2 hiatus, so most similarities between it and season 3 are coincidental--like canon confirming Nikki and Schneider were on-again, off-again, and Max's return. I did change Syd's label to Sydnificant Other, though, because it's more fitting and respectful than girlfriend. Differences from canon, like any reference to Penelope being an only child, come from planning prior to season 3 as well. Just go with it. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope's still dreaming of Max, and resenting it. Elena's upcoming semester abroad leads to a breakup during family dinner, but all she wants to talk about is Goodwill donations. Airport farewells are bittersweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elena's been accepted to a program at Oxford, but feel free to fill in more details yourself--there are a ton of high school exchange programs out there. I'm choosing to go with 'Oxford' in a vague sense and move right along. She either fundraised to cover costs for the trip or earned money at a summer job before her senior year to pay for it. Why is her three month trip scheduled from January to April, a timeframe that doesn't seem like it would overlap well with high school scheduling? I have no idea. In this story, time does what I need it to.
> 
> I originally wrote more of the conversation between Elena and Syd than you hear in this chapter, before sticking closer to how it plays out in the TATBILB movie.

“The heat gets worse every year, I swear,” Penelope groaned, fanning herself with the hotel’s room service menu. “One of these days August is just going to kill me.”

Max turned over, reaching out to twist one of her curls around his finger. “Nothing’s ever gonna kill you, Penelope Alvarez. You’re too fierce for that. And after Afghanistan, I know you can handle a little heat.”

She grinned at him, stretching lazily until her toes curled. This vacation was the best idea she’d had in a while–and though they hadn’t gone far enough away to escape the California heat, at least the room had air conditioning.

Penelope’s t-shirt rode up as she moved, exposing her stomach. Max reached out to run his fingers over her bare skin. “Speaking of heat,” he murmured, leaning in closer.

She chuckled and kissed him, long and slow. With Elena off to college, and her _Mami_ at home with Alex, all she had to do this weekend was relax.

Like he always had, Max made that easy for her. She felt so comfortable with him, so safe, that it took no effort at all to turn a hotel room into their own little oasis away from the rest of the world.

His mouth moved to her neck, trailing kisses down the curve of her shoulder, then lower, his hands sliding underneath the oversized tee she’d slept in.

Penelope was sinking into the rumpled sheets, letting her focus narrow to only the places where she could feel Max touching her, when they were interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.

“Do not disturb!” She called out, annoyed, squeezing her eyes shut more tightly and willing the unwelcome intruder away.

“Mom!” she heard a voice call back.

It sounded like Alex, which didn’t make any sense. He was at home.

_Home._

Penelope’s eyes flew open, adjusting to the dim light around her, which was definitely not the sun filtering through the blinds of a Hilton suite.

 _That’s right,_ she realized, dragged back to reality. It was a cool January evening and she was in her bedroom in Echo Park, where she’d fallen asleep before dinner…alone.

Sighing, she sat up and tried to smooth her hair down with her hands. “I’m coming,” she called out, listening as Alex’s footsteps retreated back toward the kitchen.

 _She and Max had broken up more than a year ago,_ Penelope thought. _How long was she going to keep dreaming about him?_

It got more depressing every time she woke up.

****

“There you are, Lupe. Did you have a good rest?”

Lydia set the salad bowl on the table, surveying the tableau critically. After a moment, she nodded to herself and went back into the kitchen to finish plating dinner.

“It was fine, _Mami._ ” Penelope sat next to Alex, glancing over her shoulder when the front door opened. “Hey, Schneider.”

“Hi, Pen. Lydia,” he added, raising his voice, “that smells amazing.”

“ _Gracias,_ Schneider.”

“We’ve got a full house tonight,” Penelope warned him. “You’ll have to squeeze in.”

“Really? Who’s here?”

“Elena’s leaving in a week,” she reminded him. “Who do you think?”

“Oh, cool! I wanted to ask Syd if they’ve started the new Star Trek.” He took a seat across from Penelope and watched Lydia bring out the last of the food.

“They’re in Elena’s room. Alex, tell your sister and Syd that dinner’s ready, please.”

He leaned back in his chair, tipping it halfway off the ground before his mom smacked him lightly on the arm.

“Cut that out.”

“Sorry,” Alex said, showing no sign of remorse. Ever since he had grown three inches the previous autumn, he took full advantage of his extra height. Staying flat on the floor this time, he yelled behind him, “Elena! Syd! Food!”

“ _Papito!_ I meant get up and go tell them.”

He grinned. “Whoops. Too late, here they come.”

Elena led the way to the table, her long hair pulled back in a messy bun. She was holding Syd’s hand, and they stayed connected as they took two seats side-by-side.

A few weeks after getting it cut, Syd’s hair fell just above the neckline of the white t-shirt they were wearing. It had a wooden stake in the center with the words “I’m A Slayer, Ask Me How” printed across it in red.

“Wow, this looks great,” Syd said, letting go of Elena’s hand to reach for a napkin. “Thanks again for letting me stay for dinner.”

“Of course,” Lydia assured them. “The more, the merrier, especially before Elena’s big trip.”

“Only a week left, huh?” Schneider tucked his phone away, frowning at it before focusing on Elena across the table. “How excited are you right now?”

“God, **so** excited.” She grinned. “It’s gonna be weird, being away from everybody for three months. I know I’ll probably get homesick…but England! I mean, can you imagine? All that history, the culture. It’s such an amazing opportunity.”

“London’s pretty cool,” he agreed. “You’ll like the museums. Oh, when you get the chance, you’ve gotta check out the Postal Museum. You can ride in the actual tunnels under the city that they used to deliver the mail!”

Elena nodded. Her patient smile was only a little strained around the edges. “Text me the info, okay? I’ll add it to the list of one hundred and two Schneider-approved destinations you’ve already sent me.”

“I just want you to have fun. I’ve been to London a dozen times, and there’s a lot of cool stuff you won’t see on school tours.”

“I know. And I appreciate it. But I’m studying abroad, emphasis on studying. I can’t spend too much time wandering the city or I’ll miss out.”

The idea that soaking up the London atmosphere would equal ‘missing out’ seemed crazy to him, but Schneider let it go. Elena loved school in a way he never had.

“So,” he said, looking to Syd. “Are you caught up on Picard yet? I’m dying to talk about it and apparently your girlfriend doesn’t have time for fun.”

Elena rolled her eyes at him and dug into her salad.

“Yes, I’m totally caught up! Can you believe they brought back…” Syd trailed off with a glance around the table. “On second thought, I’ll text you later. Spoilers.”

“Right. Good call.”

“Speaking of fun,” they added, a smile tugging at the corners of their mouth, “I have something for you, Elena.”

She paused with her fork halfway to her mouth, staring at the envelope Syd was sliding her way. “For me? It’s a little early for a going away present.”

“I know, but this wouldn’t be a great last-minute gift.”

The long silence after Elena opened the envelope was deeply uncomfortable. Penelope knew her daughter well enough to recognize the absence of joy.

The rest of the family felt it too; everyone was collectively holding their breath through the seconds before Elena pulled out the tickets and looked back up at Syd.

“What is this?”

“A surprise.” Syd reached out and squeezed her hand. “I knew you might get homesick, and videochat won’t be the same…so I’m coming to London for two weeks! Don’t worry, it’s right in the middle of your semester so you won’t have to entertain me during finals or anything.”

“Why did you do this without talking to me first?”

“That’s kind of the definition of a surprise.” They were waiting for Elena’s surprise to turn into happiness, but she almost looked…upset.

“And you had to surprise me in front of everybody? A week before I leave?”

She cut herself off, taking a deep breath. The last thing she wanted was to get into a fight at the table. “Syd, let’s go talk in my room, okay?”

“Elena, what’s wrong?”

“Please. My room.” Her knuckles were white where she was gripping the tickets, and she could feel her whole family’s eyes on her, which was not helping.

Visibly concerned, Syd went without another word. The others watched them go, Schneider fidgeting in his seat and Penelope biting her lower lip.

She had been prepared for Elena’s semester abroad to strain her daughter’s relationship, but not for things to get this tense before she left. As hard as it was to hold back now that Elena was seventeen, Penelope knew there wasn’t much she could do. Just be ready to listen, and offer advice, if Elena let her.

She sighed and faced her plate. “Back to dinner, guys. You know if we’re all gawking at them when they come back out, Elena’s gonna lecture us about respect or autonomy or human rights.”

Things were quiet for several minutes, nothing but the sounds of forks scraping plates and bowls to keep them from listening in.

A clear, loud _“You still want to control everything!”_ definitely came from Syd, followed by Elena’s even louder _“Then why are you even dating me?”_

But mostly the silence was ominous and stretched on–for ten minutes, then twenty. Schneider and Lydia made small talk with Alex gamely joining in to try and cover the tension.

Penelope worried and tried not to seem like she was worried, until Elena returned. She took her seat at the table, motionless while Syd emerged from her room a few moments later. 

Carrying their bag, they lifted a hand in the family’s direction. “Thanks for dinner, but I have to go. Sorry.” 

The front door was barely shut behind Syd before Alex asked, “What happened?”

Elena’s eyes filled. “Syd and I broke up.”

“What!?”

The chorus from her entire family, Schneider included, was a mix of surprise, concern, and disbelief. It shattered her resolve.

Elena started crying, quiet tears falling as Penelope rushed to fold her into a hug. Lydia and Alex were only a few moments behind. 

Though Schneider caught Pen’s glance in his direction, he waited until the others had circled Elena with murmured words of comfort and gentle hands trying to soothe before he followed.

Alex’s growth spurt had put him almost an inch above his older sister now, but Schneider was still so much taller than them all–he towered over the family as he wrapped his arms around Penelope and Lydia and pressed his cheek to the top of Elena’s head.

“I’m okay.” Elena sucked in a shuddering breath and tried to detangle herself from the group so she could wipe the tears off her cheeks. “I’m fine. Thank you, everybody, but I’m gonna be just fine.”

“Elena, you had a big fight with your Sydnificant Other. You don’t have to be okay. We’re all here for you, as soon as you’re ready to talk about it.”

“And I appreciate that. But there’s nothing to talk about. We didn’t just fight, Mom. We’re over. It’s over, and I for one want to go to London ready to enjoy the trip. Not moping over things that are in the past.”

“It happened like two seconds ago,” Alex pointed out with a frown.

“And I’m ready to move forward. Okay?”

She could feel all of them watching her, their worry filling the air until it was hard to breathe. She knew how she sounded, how they probably thought she looked. _Crazy. Heartbroken._

But it was too much. Their loving concern was making this harder.

“Elena…”

“No. _Abuelita,_ I just need some space.”

When she left them there, escaping to her room, nobody followed.

****

Penelope gave Elena the space she wanted until after lunch on Saturday.

Elena spent all morning in her room, skipping breakfast, slipping in and out of the bathroom before anyone had the chance to speak to her.

When she appeared at the table, pushing food around her plate without eating it, everyone talked a little too brightly, trying to ignore the dark circles under her eyes. Schneider and Alex moved to the couch after lunch while Lydia busied herself clearing the table, and Penelope followed Elena to her room.

“Time to talk.” Penelope shut the door behind her. “I understand wanting to pretend you’re not hurting–believe me, I get it. But this came from out of nowhere, and now I’m worried about you, making such a huge change in your life right before you leave.”

“It didn’t come out of nowhere. I'll be graduating this summer, and the trip was just part of the problem. But you’re right, I am leaving soon, which is why I can’t get distracted. Academics has to come first.”

“You were together almost two years, Elena. That’s a big deal.”

“It’s over now. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. Especially since my flight is in six days, which barely gives us enough time.” 

“Enough time to…what, exactly?”

“To go through the house and put together boxes to take to Goodwill.”

As Elena went to her closet, Penelope stared after her, confused by the abrupt subject change. 

“You promised we would last month, remember? To reduce the amount of stuff we all keep but never use anymore. And since I’m gonna be gone for so long–and we all know this household is going to be way less green without me–it’s the perfect time.”

“ _Mija_ , reorganizing the apartment isn’t going to fix what happened with Syd. Or make it hurt less.”

“Mom.” Elena handed her an empty box. “I’m not trying to fix anything except the amount of waste we generate. When we forget what we own because we never look at it, it’s really easy to buy extra copies of things we already have. This will save you money too!”

There was an obvious edge to Elena’s words that screamed _avoidance_ to Penelope, and it was that– _her daughter, in pain_ –more than the logical argument that made her agree. 

“Fine. I will give you two hours today, and I’ll help get Alex on board. But that’s it. This is my weekend too.”

“Awesome. Okay.” Elena looked around her room with a critical eye. “I’m going to start in here, and then I’ll deal with _Abuelita_.”

“You do that. I’ll go see what I have to bribe your brother with,” Penelope replied. “Afterwards, maybe we could all go out to eat. Somewhere fun.” _Somewhere that will distract you for a minute,_ she added silently. The only real cure for heartbreak was time, but until then, distraction was the best she could offer.

“That sounds nice,” Elena agreed before snapping back into project mode. She was already pulling clothes out of her closet to lay on her bed as Penelope left.

****

“You’ve got your boarding pass?”

“It’s on my phone,” Elena told Penelope for the third time. 

“Passport?” Schneider chimed in.

“In my bag,” she confirmed.

“Lipstick?” Lydia ventured hopefully.

“Very funny.” Elena hugged her, holding on for a long time. One semester hadn’t seemed like forever until now, with them all at the airport while she was imagining what might happen in her absence. “Please take care of yourself while I’m gone, _Abuelita._ No dancing, okay? And leave your heels on the shelf.”

“Ah _, si, si,_ of course.” She winked at Alex, without even trying to hide it from her granddaughter. “I will be very careful.”

“You better. I’m gonna worry.”

Elena turned to Alex, whose hands were shoved in his pockets watching her. “Come here, would you?” She pulled him into a hug. “I’ll miss you.” 

“You too,” he said as she stepped back. “Do something **not** nerdy while you’re there in honor of me. Something European and cool.”

“I’ll try,” Elena agreed with a smile. 

“Oh, come on,” she protested, when she looked to Schneider next and realized he was sniffling. “I’m not going to be gone that long! Pull yourself together.”

“The family won’t be the same without you,” he told her, ignoring her eyeroll. “Speaking of the family, how about we go grab you some snacks for the flight? I’ve heard that the food in coach is…not great.” 

Schneider led Alex and Lydia off to give Penelope a few minutes alone with Elena, and Penelope forced herself to take a steady breath. The panic setting in was normal–she was allowed to be nervous. This was Elena’s first trip to another continent. _Just breathe, and keep it together._

She wasn’t sure how Schneider knew she needed the time, but Penelope was grateful. 

“Be careful over there, you hear me? Listen to what they tell you at orientation, and stick with any group you’re in when they take you on tours. If you go out at night alone–well, I want to say don’t go out at night alone, but I know you will, so just be really careful! And I know you’re going to be focused on your classes, which is important, but make sure you take some time to explore. You’re not just there to study–this is a chance to experience things you couldn’t do by staying home, so take advantage of it.” 

She squeezed Elena hard, kissing her cheek and then wiping away the hint of lipstick she left behind.

“Mom!”

“What? It’s a long way, baby. You’re going so far away.”

“I know. But it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

“Me?” Blinking through sentimental tears, Penelope scoffed. “Of course I’ll be fine. Your _Mami_ is a badass. I’m just going to miss you.”

“Yeah.” Elena reached out impulsively for a second hug. “I get that. Don’t spend the whole semester missing me, though, okay? Go be a badass.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know, Mom, you seem lonely sometimes.” Elena looked like she wanted to say more, but she saw the rest of the family returning and left it at that.

They were carrying too many snacks, as well as two books and a sweatshirt, “because the UK gets cold,” Schneider told her helpfully.

Penelope tried to pay him back for the trove of gifts, but he waved her off. “She deserves to travel in style, don’t you think?” Schneider put his arm around Penelope as they all watched Elena go through the security line. 

Her daughter’s squared shoulders and steady gait were a comfort to Penelope as Elena disappeared around the corner–as was Schneider’s presence next to her. 

Elena was ready for adventure, and even if Penelope didn’t feel totally ready to see her take the leap, at least she wasn’t alone in watching her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Haunted" by Shane Macgowan featuring Sinead O'Connor.


	2. i'll be your best damn friend 'til the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope is confronted by Nikki, who accuses her of having feelings for Schneider. Alex’s high school drama hits too close to home. Schneider joins the family for dinner; hijinks ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's still reading this one, since you've waited almost a year for a second chapter! I intended to update much more frequently when I posted the beginning, and then 2020 taught me a lesson. Or many lessons. I still have big plans for this one, though. :)

“I got a call about a packet I needed?” Penelope asked the receptionist while she waited for Alex to get out of his last class. “I think it’s for my son’s baseball season. Alex Alvarez.”

The woman at the desk nodded and walked away, leaving Penelope alone in the silent office. Every visit to the school made her feel vaguely guilty, echoes from her own youth. Or maybe today, it was the knowledge that she’d taken time off work to run errands. She wanted Alex to be able to do things like baseball, but missing the hours felt irresponsible.

Scrolling idly through social media, Penelope took a second to consider her schedule for the rest of the day. _Pick Alex up since she already had to come here, grab groceries on the way home...homework for the kids before dinner but also for her...hopefully time for a movie, if she didn’t crash first._ Her school schedule had her worn out lately. She was so close to the end of it.

With her eyes on her phone, she didn’t see Nikki walk up, though she heard the click of sharp heels on the floor--and the sharp clearing of her throat.

“Penelope!”

“Nikki.” _Ugh._

She couldn’t seem to get away from Schneider’s not-girlfriend lately. Though they had broken up three or four times by now-- _Penelope had lost count, not that she was really keeping track_ \--their hookups were back on again, as nauseating as ever.

Penelope had no idea what Schneider saw in her, even for meaningless sex. She was just so...Nikki. And after Homecoming, Schneider had been really upset. The most genuinely hurt by a woman that Penelope had ever seen him.

She had tried her hardest to be sympathetic in between hovering at her _Mami’s_ bedside and mourning her own breakup...but then a month later, Nikki was back in the picture.

As Schneider’s best friend, she couldn’t be expected to say nothing about that. It was insane. A terrible idea.

_Apparently so was telling Schneider the truth about the situation, because during his next fight with Nikki, Penelope’s words found their way out of his mouth._ Now Nikki was even more venomous than she used to be whenever they crossed paths.

_It wasn’t like she’d told Schneider_ ** _not_** _to go back to hooking up with Nikki,_ Penelope thought in her own defense. She just hadn’t been in favor of it.

“Are you signing up for extra volunteer hours this year?” Nikki asked, a little too close as she leaned against the reception desk next to Penelope. “You know you’re running behind again, and the St. Bibiana PTA always needs...dedicated parents, who really care about the success and future of their kids, to help out here.”

Penelope sucked in a breath and silently counted to three. “I’m sure that’s true,” she replied. “Just like the world needs dedicated nurses to help out those kids and their parents when they get sick.”

_As if being a working parent was a bad thing,_ she thought, furious. As if Nikki was giving so much to the world by sitting on her butt during charity events and hitting on other people’s husbands while she volunteered.

“What are you up to today?” She asked, instead of getting into any of that. _You do not fight with a snake,_ she could her _Mami_ advising her, with the wisdom of a woman who’d dealt with plenty of them in her long lifetime. _Unless you want to get down in the dirt with it._

“Oh, just checking on the Prom committee’s budget. The kids have started planning, and we want to make sure they have the most fun ever, don’t we?”

“Of course.”

She remembered Prom fondly, but now that she was a parent instead of a teenager sneaking booze in her bra-- **especially** since she used to be a teenager who did that sort of thing--Penelope’s thoughts on Prom were much more along of the lines of _please God don’t let my son have too much fun_.

“Are you going to be a chaperone this year?”

Penelope checked the time, wondering what was taking the receptionist so long. Once she got the forms turned in, it would be easy to make a quick exit. She could wait for Alex in the car.

“I don’t know. I’ll have to check my schedule when we’re a little closer to the date.”

“Well, don’t wait too long to decide.”

“I’m not planning on it.”

Nikki’s tone slid from bossy to patronizing. “You know, if you don’t get those hours in, there’s a fine.”

“Yes, I got it!” Penelope snapped back. “I have no intention of skipping out on my volunteer hours this year, just like I haven’t missed them any other year.”

“Jeez, Penelope.” Nikki tossed her hair, victorious at the show of temper. “There’s no need to get upset.”

“Oh, don’t tell me how to feel, thank you. I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.”

“I saw an acquaintance, a fellow parent,” Nikki’s tone dripped faux affection, making Penelope’s fingers twitch. _The urge to remove her earrings was strong._ “I wanted to say a friendly hello, because anything else would just be rude, wouldn’t it? While we waited here, in our kids’ school? But you know, Penelope, it’s not my fault that Schneider likes me more.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?”

“Your crush on your landlord. It’s painful to watch, and it makes it hard to try and get along with you. Maybe you should talk to someone about that...the fact that you have a thing for Schneider.”

She took a full step back, trying to digest Nikki’s accusation. _Did the idea somehow come from Schneider? If he thought she had a thing for him, wouldn’t he have said something to her instead?_

“You’re crazy.”

“No, what’s crazy is the way you tried to weasel between Schneider and me after we had one little fight. I thought you didn’t understand what we have, because you’re such a conventional, old-fashioned person...but that wasn’t it. You wanted him all to yourself, so you tried to get rid of me. It didn’t work.”

Penelope shook her head. “Schneider and I are friends. Who he’s with has nothing to do with me, whether I think it’s a good idea or not.”

_Obviously,_ she added silently, glaring at Nikki. _Since he’s with you._

The receptionist came back, forms in hand, and Penelope almost expressed her relief out loud. She settled for a slightly louder thank you than was necessary, as she took a seat to fill them out.

Nikki became background noise then, grating but ignorable background noise. Penelope assumed she got what she’d come for as well, because she clicked her way back down the hall without further unpleasantness.

Something must have really gotten under Nikki’s skin, though Penelope couldn’t have said what--there was no reason for her to pick a fight in public over Schneider when, as Nikki herself had pointed out, they were back together.

Shrugging it off, Penelope went to her car and waited the ten minutes it took for classes to let out. Alex was easy to spot as he left, surrounded by his friends. It still amazed her sometimes that she had raised such an outgoing kid. He got that from Victor, she knew. She’d had friends in school, but not quite so many.

“Hey, Mom.” He slung his backpack onto the backseat as he settled in.

“ _Papito.”_ She ignored the urge to kiss him on the cheek, aware that parental PDA was worse than death now that her baby was half-grown. _“_ We’re stopping at the store on the way home. How was your day?”

“Good.”

She glanced his way before pulling out of the lot. “Phone down, Alex. How about you give me more than one syllable, since I took time off just to make sure your extracurriculars are all set?” _And got kind of attacked in the process._

He rolled his eyes, but slid his phone back into his pocket. “I don’t know, Mom. Things are good. What do you want from me?”

“Details. How are you doing in that science lab? How are your friends? What’s happening in your life?”

She stretched out the last word to make him laugh.

“Alright. The lab still kind of sucks, but Maddie helped me out today, so it wasn’t so bad. She’s in a fight with Casey this week.”

“That must be hard for your friends, huh.”

“Not really. We’re all used to it. They’re, like, always fighting. And it’s why she’s helping me--she wants to make him jealous.”

“So she’s using you?”

“She’s improving my science grade,” Alex replied, the _duh_ heavily laced through his words. “And with Maddie all over me lately, Chloe’s trying to get more of my time, so I’m not exactly complaining.”

“Hold up. Are you saying you’ve got these two girls fighting over you? I don’t like the sound of that at all, _Papito._ ”

“Come on, Mom. It’s just the price of being popular. Everybody wants my time.”

“I don’t care. You know I didn’t raise you to be that kind of guy, playing with girls’ feelings or pitting them against each other.”

“I didn’t ask them to be into me!” He protested. “What am I supposed to do, pretend I hate it? I thought you raised me not to lie.”

“Nobody’s saying you should lie. But you can pay attention to their feelings, not just your own. Being a girl is hard, you know--competing for a boy, worrying about whether he likes you back.”

_And even when you’re not competing, other girls will believe you are,_ she thought. _Clearly, not everybody grows out of that._

“My point is, you can enjoy the attention and still be honest. If you’re not into Maddie like that, don’t let Chloe think you are. It’s not fair to either of them.”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Alex slumped a bit behind his seatbelt, shutting down the conversation.

Being the voice of reason led to so many sullen silences now that her kids were teenagers. She couldn’t claim to enjoy that part, but it also couldn’t be avoided. _Who would talk to them about this stuff, if she didn’t?_

The last thing she wanted was for Alex to grow up to date women like Nikki, directing their insecurities at innocent bystanders. Even though she knew Schneider would never have encouraged today’s bizarre attack, his continued involvement with Nikki made it possible. It took her the rest of the drive home to shake her irritation.

****

Schneider joined the family for dinner that night, like he had most nights since Elena left for Oxford. His presence didn’t fill up the space her daughter left behind, but Penelope welcomed it--at least he never ran out of lighthearted conversation, and always offered to clear the table when they were done eating.

Alex chatted with Lydia in the far corner of the kitchen while Schneider took over cleanup; her youngest had a knack for avoiding chores that she almost admired. No amount of cajoling or bribery had managed to affect it, so Penelope was pretty sure it was a lost cause by now.

Still, there were standards to uphold. She offered up a halfhearted “ _Papito,_ at least dry a dish,” but Schneider shook his head at her as he grabbed the last plate.

“I’ve got this, don’t worry about it. I like pitching in.”

She decided not to protest further. _Let the rich white guy clean her house for once,_ Penelope thought, amused at all of them.

With her _Mami_ and Alex discussing dessert options in the kitchen and Schneider at the sink, she got to the TV first--that never happened anymore. She picked something mindlessly entertaining on Netflix and settled in, happy to relax after dinner.

“What are we watching?”

Schneider was done cleaning up a lot faster than she would’ve expected. He took the other side of the couch without an invitation; not that she minded, really. The invitation was implied at this point.

“A documentary about submarines,” Penelope told him with a straight face. _Why did he even bother asking? The show’s title was branded in the corner of the screen._

“Interesting,” Schneider said, playing along. “There’s an awful lot of cake-decorating going on here for an undersea adventure.”

“I guess so.”

She smiled at him and returned her attention to the screen. As soon as the others came to join them, her mom and Alex would team up to outvote her choice in programming. _Until then, she would enjoy her silly food competition show in peace._

“Since when do you like reality TV?” Schneider asked, pulling her back to the moment.

“This isn’t reality TV,” Penelope shot back. “It’s not like the Real Housewives or something.”

“It’s literally listed as reality TV under the title, Pen. I’m not judging, just wondering.”

“It’s people making cake, okay? I like cake. And I definitely don’t have the energy to make cake. So I’m watching them do it.”

“You don’t have to get defensive,” Schneider said. “You’re allowed to enjoy mindless entertainment as much as the rest of us.”

It had the effect he probably intended, making her want to argue with him even more. Penelope was about to retaliate by bringing up his fascination with zoo livestreams, but her _Mami’s_ lilting “Lupe, do you want me to make some cake?” distracted her long enough for Schneider to steal the remote and switch to a sitcom.

“Give that back--no, _Mami,_ I don’t need you to make us cake--Schneider, you have terrible taste,” she said, all in one breath. “Hand it over before I make you.”

“Tough talk,” he replied, as she stood up to retrieve the remote he was holding out of her reach. His arms were longer than hers, but he also knew her well enough to stand when she did, wary of the damage she could do.

“Oh my god, are you twelve?” Penelope was seriously considering a gut punch now that Schneider’s height had her at a disadvantage.

She heard laughter and shot her mom and Alex a look over her shoulder. “Traitors.”

“I like this show,” Alex pointed out, unrepentant.

“Schneider washed all my dishes,” Lydia chimed in.

“Face it,” Schneider told her, shifting away whenever she moved in his direction, until he'd put the couch between them. “I have awesome taste, and you’re outnumbered.”

“I did more work today than you’ll do all month,” Penelope said, relaxing her stance. She watched him do the same. “You can play reruns at your own house whenever you want, Schneider. Let me have my cake show.”

“Take back what you said about me having terrible taste.”

She nodded and dropped her gaze to the carpet. “I take it back. You’re right, you have excellent taste.”

Seizing her moment while his guard was lowered, Penelope dodged the couch and snagged the remote. She grinned at him.

“In friends. You have really, very good taste in friends, Schneider.”

“Ha, ha.” He sat back down, ignoring the teasing coming his way from the kitchen.

_Vicarious cake tasted even sweeter now that she was triumphant,_ Penelope decided, settling back into her own spot with a firmer grip on the TV remote.

“I’m rooting for the guy with the bluebirds,” Schneider decided, eyeing the last two contestants critically.

“What were you saying about having good taste?” She pointed at the screen when the camera switched to the waterfall cake. “That one is so much better. Your guy could barely pipe his flowers.”

Their debate as the episode wound down was comfortable, a return to normal that was especially welcome after such a weird day. She’d made the right call, she decided, in not telling him about what happened at St. Bibiana’s. It would have only made things awkward between them.

_Nikki thinking that she was threatened by who Schneider chose to have sex with was so stupid,_ Penelope thought. _It just showed how little Nikki understood about either of them._

Their friendship was better than anything he and Nikki could possibly have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Best Damn Friend" by Barenaked Ladies.


	3. universe won't wait for you (it's do or die, whatcha gonna do?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope tries to bond with Alex during movie night; he and Lydia bring the family’s donations to Goodwill. Schneider returns from vacation and confronts Penelope. She panics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I had Lydia taking Alex to Goodwill, before I accepted it was an unlikely possibility when Lydia never drives on the show--and the timeline doesn't support Alex driving yet, even with an adult in the car. So in case anybody wonders about it, Lydia enlisted Dr. Berkowitz to drive them.

While Schneider was away with Nikki over the weekend, Penelope splurged on a trip to the movies--luring Alex with the promise of food he didn’t have to sneak in.

She was trying to focus on silver linings instead of her anxieties about Elena, and the upsides included her new availability for Alex. _Twice as much parent to go around could only lead to more bonding, right?_

He had lobbied for an R-rated comedy, which she was definitely not willing to pay for. On her own, she would’ve headed right for the newest Bradley Cooper drama, but no amount of chocolate could convince Alex to sit through that.

So they compromised on an action movie--which would have the added benefit of covering up the sound of her soda later. _Agreeing to buy concessions for Alex didn’t make her a different person. Her discount snacks were better than their overpriced junk, anyway._

He grinned at her over his bucket of popcorn while they waited for the lights to go down, and she considered her bribery a success. _See, she could be the cool mom. Even if she had Raisinets in her cargo pants._

“Hey, Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still miss Max?”

_Where did that come from?_ The question hurt, mostly because it was so unexpected. With Max exiting her life right before Lydia’s stroke, neither Alex or Elena had mentioned him much in the last year. They’d all had other things on their minds.

She let the pain pass by before she answered.

“Yes, _Papito,_ I still do. It’s hard to let go of people you love. Sometimes, a part of you misses them even after you’ve moved on.”

He nodded, sipping his soda.

“Do you think you’ll start dating again anytime soon?”

That question was even more out of character for her son, whose world had been so often self-centered since he first came into it.

Penelope narrowed her eyes at him. “Why are you suddenly so interested in my dating life?”

“I was just wondering.”

”Well, I’m having fun the way things are. You and me, catching a movie on a Friday night, mother and son time with Elena away. Why would I want to date when I could be doing this?”

She grabbed a handful of popcorn and caught the way he cringed. Or flinched. Whatever it was, there was guilt there. Her mom radar went up.

“Alex _,_ what is it? Is something going on?”

“It’s nothing!” He assured her in a rush. “It’s just...I kind of--did have a date.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. You wanted to go out together, so I rain checked it with Chloe for next weekend. But I mean, let’s be real, Mom. This can’t last forever. I’ll go off to college too, or modeling school, whatever, and then who will you hang out with?”

The trailers started playing, just in time, letting her wallow until the movie started.

Penelope couldn’t keep the sadness off her face as she watched Alex settle in with his snacks. He was growing up so fast on her. Too fast. And Elena was practically out of the house already.

She didn’t want to date just to avoid being alone, but hearing that concern from her teenage son? _Ouch. So much for being the cool mom._

Now Penelope was glad that they’d picked an action flick. She was ready to watch some stuff blow up.

****

Alex emerged from his room the next morning waving his phone at her.

“Mom, that was the third text I’ve gotten from Elena since she left reminding us to take that stuff to Goodwill.”

“Good morning to you, too,” Penelope replied. 

She was almost out the door, but her son had the luxury of sleeping in on Saturdays until baseball season started. He was taking full advantage of it.

“Seriously, she woke me up--and I need my beauty rest. She’s not gonna stop bugging me until you drop it off.”

“Alex...” Penelope shrugged into her coat, kissing her _Mami_ on the cheek in thanks for the quick _cafecito_ she had substituted for breakfast. “It’s all boxed up, we finished it before she left; it’ll get there.”

“I’m just saying, she’s gonna start texting you next, and I don’t think you’ll enjoy the lectures any more than I do.”

“Well, I’ve got plans with Jill today--and I’m about to be late. _Mami_?” She raised hopeful eyebrows in Lydia’s direction.

“Hmm?”

“Can you go with Alex to the Goodwill donation dropoff? I won’t be back until dinner.”

“ _Si, Lupita._ Go have fun with your friend, we will handle it.” 

“Great. Thanks. The things I’m getting rid of are in my room, next to the closet.”

“You know, this would be much easier if Schneider had not taken his girlfriend on a vacation.” Lydia frowned. “He could carry much bigger boxes than myself or _Papito._ ”

“Hey, I can lift heavy stuff,” Alex protested. 

“Yes, but you should not have to! You should save your strength for wooing your future wife.” Lydiapatted his face.

“Luckily for us--and Alex’s future wife--none of the boxes are all that heavy,” Penelope said. “And there aren’t too many of them. Now, I really have to go. I’ll see you both tonight.”

****

Absorbed in work and school, Penelope didn’t give their Goodwill donations another thought until Tuesday, on her way out of the hospital. The two boxes she’d packed in her room were gone, concluding that chore.

Or so she thought.

Penelope was digging in her purse for her keys when she saw Schneider striding her way. “Oh, hey! I thought you were gonna be off the grid with Nikki for another couple of days.”

“No, that trip is kind of...over. That whole thing is kind of over.” 

“Again?”

Hurt crossed Schneider’s face before he buried it. He was really good at that, she’d learned--mostly from moments when she was the one hurting him. _Way to go, Penelope._

“I mean, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Eh, I will be. Eventually. It’s not like we were engaged, right?”

Schneider shook his head. “That’s not why I’m here, though. Nikki may have dumped me for one of the jock dads at St. Bibiana’s, but that doesn’t mean I think you and I should blur the lines on the rebound.”

She stared at the creased blue paper he held up as he continued.

“Not that I’m not flattered, obviously. You’re the most badass woman I know, an amazing mom, anybody would be lucky to--”

Penelope’s field of vision narrowed to the letter in his hand, a letter that she definitely recognized. She didn’t hear the rest of his sentence. She could only hear her heart pounding in her ears, making her wonder if she was about to pass out there, next to her car.

_How did Schneider_ **_get_ ** _that? What was happening right now?_

“I found it slipped under my door when I got home. And honestly, Pen, if you needed to tell me this stuff, you could have just done it in person--we’ve had enough late night chats that nothing’s really off limits at this point.”

She took a deep breath, trying to focus on a technique that worked for her during panic attacks and after nightmares. Since the moment felt like an actual waking nightmare, slowly counting backwards didn’t help much. _He was still there. Waiting._

“Schneider, that letter--it’s not what it looks like, I swear. I don’t want to date you. At all. I wrote it because...”

She was still trying to find the words to explain something much too complicated for a parking lot when she saw motion past Schneider’s left shoulder.

Max was exiting the hospital and heading straight for them, holding a bright white envelope in one hand.

It didn’t take a genius to know what he was coming over to say.

Which was good, because Penelope’s mind was not exactly in top condition. It was already a five-alarm fire up in there, and every part of her was screaming _I cannot deal with this._

In the fraction of a second she had to consider her options, Penelope acknowledged that the mature response would be to face it now--to explain the situation to her ex-boyfriend and her best friend at the same time.

Or, she decided, as she felt both men’s eyes on her and her palms started to sweat...she could do literally **anything** else.

Going with her first impulse, Penelope reached up and grabbed Schneider’s shirt with both hands, pulling him toward her. Before Max could get one step closer, she kissed Schneider like her life depended on it.

She couldn’t have explained to anybody why kissing Schneider seemed like a better idea than letting Max think she was still pining over him. Right then, she just needed Max to stay back. To leave them alone. 

_Did it work?_ She wondered. She couldn’t check without breaking off the kiss, but the silence seemed promising.

Of course, the quiet only emphasized the situation she was now in. She was kissing Schneider. _She was in a hospital parking lot, a few yards away from her ex-boyfriend, kissing_ ** _Schneider._**

Pressed against her, Schneider didn’t react. Not after the initial moment, or several more. He let her kiss him, but he didn’t kiss back. _And that was fine,_ Penelope told herself. _That was better._

“Thank you,” she said when she let Schneider go. He stood there, flushed and baffled, looking at her like he had never seen her before. 

Though confusion was written all over his face, Schneider nodded. “You’re...welcome?”

Penelope wasn’t willing to push her luck any further. She couldn’t avoid the embarrassment forever, but at least she had managed to postpone it until she got home. She needed time to figure this out.

Without another word, and without glancing back to where Max was probably still holding his own letter, she got into her car and drove home.

****

Her reprieve was brief, not that she’d expected any different. She caught the aroma of dinner as soon as she walked through the door, and barely had time to praise her _Mami’s_ cooking before Schneider arrived.

“Oh, good, Schneider, you are home from your _vacación_ ,” Lydia said. “I made enough for you to join us, just in case.”

“Hey,” Alex added from his spot at the table. “You’re back early, right?”

“Yeah, Nikki and I broke up.”

Schneider offered that explanation to Alex, but he was looking at Penelope. She shook her head in response, hoping the tiny movement would go unnoticed by the others. Hoping that Schneider would understand. _Not now. Not in front of the family. Please._

His shoulders tensed where he stood, like her silent plea was a blow he had to absorb. But when he finally looked away from her, smiling at Lydia and taking his seat, Penelope knew he would let it go for now. “So you can see why I needed a nice, comforting family dinner this evening.”

“Oh, _pobrecito_ Schneider,” Lydia said, patting his back before she sat down across from him. “You can do better.”

They were waiting for her to settle into her place at the table, but Penelope couldn’t join them until she knew for sure. She headed for her bedroom, straight to the spot where her army duffel would be. 

_Or where it used to be._

“ _Mami?_ ” She returned to the table and sat, trying to sound calm. “What happened to my duffel bag?”

“I don’t know,” Lydia said, pouring herself some rum as though her daughter’s world wasn’t spinning out of control in front of her. “Where did you see it last?”

“I keep it in my closet,” Penelope snapped back. “It’s been there for years. Where did I see it last,” she added in a mutter.

“You do not need to take that tone with me,” her _Mami_ scolded her. “I did not touch your ratty old bag. I do not know where it is.”

“Well, I know **I** didn’t move it, and it’s gone. So can anybody explain to me how it up and disappeared?”

Lydia thought it over. “I suppose...if it was in your closet...it might be at the Goodwill.”

She clamped down even harder on her temper. “Why would it be at the Goodwill?” 

“As I said, _Lupita,_ I have done nothing wrong. But your boxes **were** next to the closet. So if it is missing, that may be why.”

“It was just an old duffel bag, right, Mom?” Alex was halfway through his dinner, but he couldn’t ignore the tension in the room. “You can get a new one.”

“Not everything’s replaceable, Alex. That old bag had a lot of memories attached.” She picked up her fork and tried to focus on her food while her mind reeled. _It also had five incredibly personal love letters tucked into the inside pocket. Letters she’d never wanted their subjects to read._

Now Max knew she never got over him, and wanted him back. God, after more than a year, how pathetic he must think she was. 

And that didn’t begin to address the other letters. How long until those came back to haunt her, too? What about the man currently watching her while he ate, pretending that he wasn’t? _How could she possibly explain any of this to Schneider?_

She stabbed at her salad, lost in thought until she was done eating. 

Worried she might snap at him next, even Schneider was quiet during the meal. The scraping of utensils against dishes filled the silence until Penelope cleared her plate and went to her bedroom.

Schneider swallowed loudly after Penelope left, but didn’t offer up his usual attempts to paper over the unease that lingered behind her. 

Instead it was Lydia who broke the silence. “Lupe hasn’t used any of her old bags in years. I do not understand why she is so upset about this one.”

“Maybe she’s going through menopause,” Alex offered up.

Schneider’s fork clattered loudly onto his plate. 

Lydia shook her head. “No, that can’t be the problem, _Papito._ She is far too young.”

“It can start between the ages of 40 and 50,” Alex argued, ignoring the way Schneider was gaping at him. “Mom’s just inside the window.”

“This is very inappropriate talk,” Lydia scolded him, standing up to clear the rest of the plates.

“Elena wouldn’t stop lecturing me about it, okay? She wanted me to be ready when it happened in case she was moved out already. You know how she never shuts up.”

Schneider left Alex sitting alone to go find Penelope--normally she would be back out with the family after dinner, but if she was going to try this hard to avoid him, she wasn’t giving him much choice. 

With Lydia at the sink and Alex’s face in his phone already, Schneider doubted the others would even notice him gone. 

He tapped lightly on her door. “Penelope?” 

The long silence wasn’t comforting, but eventually he heard a quiet “Come in” and let himself in. 

“Hey,” he said as he shut the door behind him. “You know, Max seemed just as confused as me, back at the hospital. He just sort of stared at me, once you drove off, for the longest five seconds in history, and then he left without saying anything.”

“Yeah?” Penelope was looking at the floor more than him, but he could tell she was listening.

“Yeah. I think he wanted to talk to you too. Which made me even more confused. What’s going on?”

A brisk rap on the door sounded before it opened--not giving either of them time to respond. 

_“Mami.”_

“It’s time for dessert,” Lydia told them. “What are you two doing in here?”

Penelope ignored the gossipy insinuation in her tone--she knew better than anyone that it was her _Mami’s_ way of hoping something interesting was about to happen, whether it actually was or not. “We were talking about dessert, actually. I was asking Schneider if he wanted to go with me to get ice cream.”

She raised her eyebrows, hoping he would follow her lead. “What do you say? Dessert run?”

Whatever he was thinking, or feeling, Schneider kept it to himself. “Sure, Pen. Sounds good. My treat.”

“Oh, Schneider, you are such a generous man,” Lydia told him with a hand on his arm--laying it on a little thick even by her usual standards. 

“ _Mami,_ calm down. It’s ice cream, not new shoes.”

“Lydia, did you want new shoes?” Schneider perked up, and Penelope grabbed him by the arm to pull him past her mom before they could get any ideas. 

“She doesn’t need you to buy her shoes. Let’s go.”

Penelope rushed him to the door with one hand on his back, nudging him forward as she opened it.

She was in such a hurry, she almost shoved him directly into Ben--who was standing on the other side, hand raised to knock. 

“Oh, hey, Penelope. Is this a bad time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Avalanche" by Walk the Moon.


	4. your secret is safe with me, and if secrets were like seeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben comes to Penelope’s door bearing a letter. Penelope explains the situation to Schneider over ice cream. She scoffs at his proposal, but can’t wave it away so easily once she’s alone with her thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's still reading and commenting on this story! You make me want to actually make it to the end. <3 Sorry this is a day late in going up--the next couple of chapters are already awaiting the next couple of Wednesdays. Hopefully on those days I'll remember what day it is.

_Dear Ben,_

_It’s been a really long time since I felt the way I did when I was with you--I know talking about it makes me sound like a giddy teenager._

_But in so many ways, that’s how you made me feel. I was full of lighthearted happiness, hormones and that need to know everything about somebody that only happens at the beginning of a relationship._

_The story of how we met sounds like a movie: I poured my heart out to you, thinking you were gay and couldn’t possibly be interested in me, and you turned the tables by asking me out. A night full of self-loathing and guilt led to a moment where I felt really attractive._ _And considering how hard life had been lately, especially in the romance department, it meant a lot that you looked at me in my emotional half-drunk state and saw someone worth getting to know._

_All of that makes how we ended worse. I’m sorry for what happened with Victor, for how easily and how quickly I became a cliche--the ex-wife who takes back her apologetic husband, who believes and trusts when she shouldn’t...who gives up a good man for a familiar one._

_We had fun while it lasted, didn’t we? It’s the what-ifs that haunt me now. The possibilities. Maybe you would have gotten along well with my family, when it was time for you to meet them. Maybe you would have been a good husband someday._

_I know I don’t have the right to hold on to you, to the idea of us, when there was barely an us in the first place. Some nights, though, I pull out that mental picture and let myself live inside for it a little while. I still feel happy there. I wonder if you do, too._

_Love, Penelope_

_****_

“Ben!”

Penelope steadied herself by gripping Schneider’s arm, which also helped to steady him as they wobbled in the doorway after their near-collision.

She saw the letter Ben was holding, on yellow paper she remembered too well, and offered him an overly-bright smile, aiming it like a shield. “We’re actually just on our way out. Gotta go get dessert for the family before there’s chaos, y’know?”

Her laugh was as forced as her smile, but she ignored the look Schneider gave her and hoped Ben would buy it. He didn’t know her nearly as well; not everyone had Schneider’s keen eye for her tells. 

“This is Schneider,” she added, shutting the door behind the two of them. She kept her grip on his arm, pulling him past Ben. 

“Yeah, hi,” Schneider said, with a facial expression that could best be described as ‘trying to do calculus in his head.’ _Great,_ Penelope thought, _now she would have even more to explain to him once they made it free of the building. And Ben._

“Listen, I don’t want to hold you up,” her ex said, lifting the letter to her eyeline. “I just wanted you to know that I got it, but that I’m actually--well, I’m engaged now.”

“Oh, wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations,” she said, shaking his hand and trying to hurry along as though that would be the end of that.

“Penelope.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry. I really enjoyed the time we spent together too. And I did think about you--about us. For a while. That was such a long time ago, though, and where my life is at these days...I’m really happy. I hope you will be soon.”

The hint of pity she detected got her attitude up, but if she made a scene it might bring the family out into the hall, which was the last thing she needed to add to this insanity. She exhaled through her clenched teeth instead.

“Thanks Ben, I appreciate that. I’m glad things are going well for you.”

“Anyway, I wanted to give you this back. It doesn’t feel right keeping it, while I’m planning my wedding to somebody else.”

“Alright. We really gotta go, but I hope the wedding goes great and it doesn’t rain. Best of luck to you both!” she half-shouted as she sped down the stairwell, not bothering to look behind her. Schneider would catch up, and she needed Ben to stop treating her like a crazy woman who was still nursing a crush on him years after they went on a handful of dates.

_Not that her behavior in the hall was likely to make her seem more sane._

Her cheeks were burning as she exited the building, and she wished the air outside were cool enough to settle her racing heart. There was no denying it now--all of her letters must have been sent, every single mortifying one of them. Her innermost thoughts and feelings, directed at men who were never supposed to read them. This was beyond terrible. This was a catastrophe. This was--

“Pen! Wait up!” Schneider let the exit door slam shut behind him, making short work of the distance between them on the way to her car. “You know, I can’t go with you to get ice cream if you leave without me.”

“I know. Sorry.”

The scoop shop was only a five minute drive from their building, but it was a deeply uncomfortable five minutes, with Schneider watching her from the passenger seat and Penelope stuck on the image of Ben and his pretty, sympathetic face handing her back old dreams on paper. 

She hoped he really was blissfully happy with his new fiancée. She hoped they had a long and happy marriage.

_She hoped she never had to see him again._

****

Schneider managed to hold back as they waited in line at the shop, but he was restless next to her, filled with anxiety and questions. Penelope wasn't exactly in a hurry to explain; her nerves mirrored his.

“Let’s just order ours, okay?” She said before they approached the counter. “We can talk while we eat it, then get the rest to go after.”

Schneider nodded. “Sure. Whatever you want.” He ordered an oversized monstrosity, filled with a jumble of flavors and toppings that Penelope eyed with suspicion. 

She got cherry gelato and frowned when he paid for them both, but didn’t bother arguing. She was the one who caused this whole mess--there wasn’t much point to starting a fight on top of it.

Schneider sat down across a corner table from her and made no move to touch his dessert. “Listen, Penelope, I’ve tried not to push. I kept quiet through dinner, I didn’t corner you in a moving vehicle, but I’m kinda out of patience now. What was that back there?”

“At...the hospital?”

It was stupid to try and buy herself more time. She wasn’t sure why she felt so nervous to talk to him--this was Schneider. He always understood even her craziest moments. Yet there she was, still stalling. _Keep on digging that hole, Penelope._

“Yes, at the hospital, when you kissed me!” The last part came out louder than he’d intended, and Schneider looked around like they might be under surveillance, before continuing. 

“What was that about?” he pressed. “I thought that I was pretty clear about where I stood, and then you kissed me anyway. No means no, Penelope!”

“Yes...you’re right.” 

When he put it like that, she felt even worse than just embarrassed. If she found out Alex was going around kissing girls who told him they weren’t interested, she would be so pissed at him. She would read him the riot act. _What could she possibly say to defend herself to the one man who understood that better than anybody--who knew her behavior totally contradicted what she believed in?_

“Sorry.” She watched her gelato melting in its little cup, swirling it with her spoon. “You’re right, there’s no excuse.”

“I don’t want an excuse--though the apology’s appreciated. I want an explanation. It doesn’t make any sense, what you did. And you always make sense. Come on, talk to me.”

“I don’t have a good explanation.” She sighed, trying her gelato before it was completely liquid. _It didn’t taste as good as it would on a day when her life wasn’t unraveling._ “It was out of character. No argument there. It just sort of happened.”

“But why?”

“You’re going to think I’m crazy,” she warned him, resigned to the fact that she couldn’t avoid this forever. He practically lived in their pockets--she couldn’t avoid him in general.

“You just made out with me,” he shot back. “I already know you’re crazy.”

“It was one kiss! I did not make out with you.” She dug into her gelato more emphatically, letting him sit with his own melting dish for a minute, almost as annoyed at Schneider as she was at herself for ending up here. 

“That letter that you got from me, it wasn’t the only one I wrote.”

“Okay.” He blinked, taking that in. “You’re in love with people besides me?”

“I’m not in love with anybody, you dope. And I didn’t send you that letter.”

“I’m confused.”

“I write letters. I always have. To process stuff, get my thoughts out. I didn’t have therapy, you know, before the last few years. And between my mom, and the Army, and Victor...I had a lot of stuff to deal with. I’ve never been a diary person, but when things got really intense, I would write...”

“Love letters.” 

“Yeah.”

He nodded as he dug into his ice cream, listening intently now. Schneider was good at that, even when he was visibly baffled--like he seemed now. 

“I used to write other letters too, when I was a kid, letters to my parents when I was upset or frustrated with them. But I never held on to those ones--I had this feeling that no matter how well I hid them, _Mami_ would find them, so I always trashed those. It helped enough, writing them.”

“When it comes to Lydia, I think your paranoia was probably well-founded.” 

There was a hint of a smile teasing the corners of his mouth now, fondness not just for her mom but for Penelope. The wave of relief that flooded her settled some of her anxiety. Kissing him had been dumb and desperate, but she didn’t want it to ruin their friendship. 

_One kiss couldn’t do that, right?_

He pointed his spoon at her gelato, a silent request. She nodded, passing him her spoon for a taste. She hadn’t really been in the mood for ice cream to begin with; she’d just wanted a place away from home for this confession.

“So, yeah, I write letters sometimes. Not all that often, because I was with Victor for most of my life. There haven’t been that many guys. But when I needed to put those feelings somewhere, I wrote them down and tucked them in my favorite duffel.”

She took her spoon back and gestured with it. “Over the years, I wrote five letters, including yours. And somehow they disappeared along with my duffel bag. The letters got sent out. I realized it when I saw you and Max.”

“And Ben,” Schneider added, putting the pieces together. “So, if that makes three, is the fourth Victor?”

“Oh, god.” She knew, of course she knew, exactly who she’d written her letters to. But she was so busy fighting the initial panic, she hadn’t thought about Victor yet. “Yes, I wrote to Victor. A couple of times. _Ay dios mío_ , I hope that one gets shredded in the mail. I cannot deal with that right now.”

Schneider was lost in thought for a while, long enough that she took her cup to the trash. “Who’s the last one?” he asked when she sat back down. 

“Huh?”

“I’ve known you since you and Victor separated. After Victor, there was Ben, then Max, then I guess you wrote my letter, since it was after Lydia’s hospital stay. I can’t think of anybody else you dated. Did you have a secret lover?”

He looked intrigued by the possibility. She swatted him lightly on the arm. “Don’t be so dramatic. You sound like my mom. The other letter was my first big crush, back in high school, a boy named Joe.”

She reached for his spoon and Schneider let her, bemused. He knew she usually hated his topping combinations. She just needed a second to gather her nerve again. 

“I really am sorry,” she tried to explain, more carefully this time. “For kissing you like that. And for you ever seeing that letter. I was busy trying to figure out how it was possible, and then I saw Max coming, with a letter in his hand too, and I knew what it had to mean. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up, my head was reeling--I couldn’t imagine explaining to him why he was getting a love letter from me a year later. I panicked.”

Risking a look at him before pinning her gaze back to the table, she continued. “It hit me that if he saw us kiss, he might assume we were a couple and be thrown off enough that I would have time to regroup. We could pretend the letters never happened.”

Schneider’s face was unreadable now. When she gave his spoon back, he didn’t go back to eating, just kept watching her.

“It’s not logical, I get that, but like I said, I panicked. And I know it was wrong of me to pull you into this, but I really would like to pretend the letters never happened, if we could. Especially yours.”

“Yeah?” 

She ran the risk of offending him--she was aware of that--but their friendship was too important for her not to fight for it. She couldn’t tell what Schneider was thinking, though. That same perfectly blank expression stayed in place. _At least he hadn’t left the shop yet,_ Penelope reminded herself. _He was still giving her a chance._

“Yes. I was in a terrible place when I wrote your letter, Schneider. It was a few months after _Mami’s_ stroke, after giving up Max had me convinced I’d lost my chance at love, and I was so lonely and scared and sad. About all of that. 

“And there you were, so present and kind...and, well, loving. All the time. You were the one person I knew I could count on and we spent all those nights together. No matter how rough the day had been with the kids or at the hospital, you would find a way to make me laugh. Remember?”

“Of course.” His face was still guarded, but his voice had that comforting softness to it. That tone that meant he was ready to help. The voice of her best friend. 

“I was vulnerable then, and I wrote it all down, because it had to go somewhere. It took me a while to step back from that place, to get back to feeling stable on my own even when you weren’t around. And once I had that distance, that balance back, I could see clearly again. I was never in love with you, not really. I mixed up how much I care about you as part of my family, as my best friend, with love. I mixed up how good you were to me with the idea that we would be good together. 

“Once everything was okay again I felt like an idiot about it, and I was so glad I never said anything. I don’t want to lose you. And I never would’ve sent that letter as some attempt to awkwardly hit on you. I’m mortified to even be talking about it now. So, could we just move on? Like this was a weird day but we both agree it was a fluke and laugh it off?”

“Sure, sure, sure,” Schneider agreed, clearing his throat. “But what about the other letters?”

“What about them?”

“If Max’s letter is like mine, a love letter with no extra context, then are you going to have to do this all over again? Tell him you’re not still in love with him?”

“I-I don’t know. I’m really hoping it won’t come to that.”

“Because he saw us kiss and that’s a magic barrier to all future confrontation...or because you can’t honestly tell him that?”

_He knew her too well,_ Penelope thought. _And she’d had to share enough deep emotional truths for one day._

“Wow, look at the time,” she said, standing and nodding toward to the front counter. “If we don’t get the rest of the treats and head back, they’re gonna think we lied about the whole dessert run.”

She put in the requests that she knew her _Mami_ and Alex would want and moved down to the other end of the counter. Schneider followed, clearing his throat again. 

“What is it?”

“Speaking of lying, I just got a text from Nikki about our kiss.”

“What? How does Nikki know?”

“One of her friends saw us in the parking lot, I guess. Nikki’s super pissed.”

“Have fun with that.” She shook her head. “Luckily for me, I only have to see Nikki at school functions and some of Alex’s games. You’re the one who decided to hook up with her.”

“She’s pissed in a jealous way,” Schneider added thoughtfully.

“I’m shocked.”

“Hey, Pen. Hear me out: what if we kept up the lie for a while?”

“As in, the lie where I kissed you and you freaked out about it?”

“My freakout was in response to your freakout. Glass houses, Penelope. But yeah, the kissing. The public display of affection, emphasis on public. It got Nikki’s attention, and I wasn’t even trying to do that. If seeing me with you makes her realize she misses what we had, maybe we could stop this vicious cycle of breaking up all the time.” 

“You want to pretend to be into each other just so you can get back with Nikki? Gross. No way I’m volunteering to be used for that.”

“Hey, you used me first--and I didn’t volunteer.”

An aproned employee passed her the sack of ice cream and Penelope walked out ahead of him. 

“It would solve your problem too,” Schneider suggested. “Isn’t that why you kissed me in the first place, to make it seem like you were taken?”

“I was temporarily insane,” she insisted. “What’s your excuse?”

“I’m just saying we could both get what we want. Think about it,” Schneider added before mercifully dropping the subject as they made it home.

She ignored Schneider for the rest of the evening, as best she could, until he headed back to his own apartment. If her mom or Alex wondered what took them so long--or why they ate their dessert on the way--neither of them asked. 

****

Penelope was in her bedroom, finally able to take a moment to decompress from the chaos of her life, before it occurred to her to check her phone. She fought so hard to keep Alex off his at the dinner table; it helped a little when she set a good example. 

“Three missed calls,” she told her empty room, staring down at the name next to all three of them. 

“Yep, and you didn’t pick up even once.”

The day had clearly been too much for her, if her imagination was so easily manifesting Max there next to her bed. She closed her eyes for a moment and reopened them, only to find the illusion of him still watching her.

“You can’t call a guy back anymore? Especially after you ditch him in a public place? That’s not like you, Penelope.”

“I’ve been hearing that a lot lately.” 

_Okay, so she was hallucinating. Not a big deal. She was stressed out and had him on the brain, especially now._

“Got your letter,” Max said, smiling down at her where she sat. “Of course, you know that already. It’s why you’re avoiding me. How long do you think you can keep that up?”

“I have no idea. How long do you think you’ll keep trying to confront me with it?”

“Don’t ask me. I’m in your head--what do I know. If you want real answers, you should give me a call.”

“Can’t say I like that idea very much.”

“Yeah. If we talk, you’re going to have to answer my questions. Why did you send the letter, why did you write the letter, did you mean what you said.” 

She swallowed hard, staring into Max’s warm eyes. _What would she say, when she had to explain it all to him?_

“Do you still...love me. That’s the million dollar follow up, right? That’s the one that counts.”

“I’m not ready to explain any of it,” she admitted. “I’m not ready to tell you how I feel. I’m not sure I know, myself.”

“Then you know what you have to do,” Schneider told her, popping up in the dark space where Max had been standing moments before. “Get your cover story on, _chica_.”

“God, don’t call me that. Don’t call anybody that.”

“All I'm saying is, you can’t avoid Max forever, right? There’s a solution staring you right in the face. What are best friends for, if not to act as a human wall between you and your relationship issues?”

Penelope frowned, trying to find a counterargument. 

“Hey, if you’ve got a better idea, then go ahead...tell me no. A backup plan? Anything?”

“I’m thinking.”

“No, you’re stalling. And the clock is ticking on that strategy. But my plan, it can last as long as we need it to. Until you figure out what you want to do--with Max, Victor, all of them. We can be each other’s wingman and cover story at the same time, Pen. You help me, I help you...everybody wins.”

“Aaagh.” Penelope groaned, gripping hold of her hair for a second. When she lifted her head back up from her hands, she was alone in her room. 

She didn’t know if Schneider’s idea was a brilliant one, or a terrible one. But at this point, it might be her best chance to save her sanity.

That was reason enough to consider it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "No Plan" by Hozier.


	5. taking this one step at a time, i got your back if you got mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope agrees to fake date Schneider and they work out the rules during Alex’s baseball game. Penelope enjoys Nikki’s visible fury at their public affection, and braces for Lydia's reaction.

On Penelope’s left, her _Mami_ was pulling out snacks and explaining the hodgepodge of containers they were stored in. On her right, Schneider was facetiming Elena, showing her the rest of the family and a shaky view of Alex on the field.

“Okay, okay, I gotta go,” she heard her daughter say, laughing at Schneider from another continent. “I’ve got class. Thanks, Schneider. I’ll call you guys this weekend!”

Penelope rubbed her palms on her jeans and stood, almost knocking Schneider’s phone out of his hand when she reached for him.

“We’re going to get snacks!” she told a very suspicious Lydia as she gripped his hand and led him out of the bleachers.

“But we don’t need anything! I brought all the food!” her _Mami_ called as they left.

“Okay,” she told Schneider, as soon as they were standing near the food trucks and out of earshot.

“Okay...?” He blinked at her, in that friendly but confused way of his. Like a really tall golden retriever--he wanted to be accommodating, even when he had no clue what was going on.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” she told him, shoving her hands into her pockets. Part of her wanted to bounce from foot to foot, that was how nervous she was. The whole idea was still insane, obviously. But she’d made up her mind.

“The more I thought about it, the more I think you have a point. If Max sees me with you for a while, he’ll get the message that I’ve moved on. I do not want to debate our past, it hurts too much. And I don’t know why you’d want to try and be more than junk buddies with Nikki, but if you want to make her jealous, well...”

Penelope snuck a glance at the bleacher two spots away from theirs, where Finn’s mom could usually be found.

“I could be real good at that.”

Schneider beamed like she’d just offered to throw him a party rather than engage him in a conspiracy to trick their exes.

_Lupe, what are you are doing?_ She wondered in a flickering moment of indecision--but she shut that down hard. This was her best option. This could make the whole mess go away.

“Yeah?” Schneider asked.

“Yeah. Yes. Let’s do this thing.”

Schneider was still smiling, which was why Penelope was so unprepared for him to lean down and kiss her.

No warning, no preamble-- _he didn’t even ask,_ she thought, her mind whirling with shock--Schneider just leaned down and slid one hand under her hair to cup the nape of her neck and then his mouth was on hers.

He was...well, he was a good kisser when he actually tried.

She filed that fact away, to deal with later.

Even without the warning he definitely should have given her, she knew it was all for show, so Penelope let herself go along with it for exactly three seconds more. She counted them in her head, while the rest of her enjoyed the way that Schneider’s mouth was firm and warm and gentle.

When he pulled back, his eyes were crinkled at the corners, beaming delight down. He had both hands on her shoulders, steadying her. She was surprised to realize that she needed it.

Penelope was a little dazed as the rest of the world came back into focus. She could feel her _Mami’s_ eyes laser-focused on them, and the murmurings of some of the other parents in the surrounding stands. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew more than one of the kids’ classmates had asked them if Schneider was her boyfriend over the years--and that some of their parents wondered the same thing.

She actually caught a glimpse of Nikki in her peripheral vision, fuming as loudly as a silent person could.

Satisfying as that was, she shook his hands off her shoulders. “Listen, if we are going to do this, we need to come up with some rules, you get me?”

Schneider held both hands up, an immediate don’t-hurt-me posture that he fell into with her automatically by now. _Fair enough,_ she thought, _since she could hurt him, and they both knew it._

“You can’t just kiss me like that. That was not okay. You hear me, Schneider? You didn’t even ask, you just--”

“I know, I’m sorry, I was really excited and it felt like, well, like sealing the deal. You know? We’re going to be a pretend couple, why not start now?”

“I’m not saying we can’t start now.” She exhaled, sharply, tugging her shirt down as though she could tug her sense of gravity back into place with it. He’d knocked her off balance too much--she didn’t like knowing he was capable of that.

“What I’m saying,” Penelope continued after a calming breath, “is that we need ground rules. You were right before, about blurring the lines. Pretending to be a couple is one thing, but we are **friends.** We can’t lose track of that, mess up where we stand...and you may be big into meaningless affection, but I’m not.” 

“Okay, and I hear what you’re saying, Pen, but if we act like we’re just friends...if we stay the same, nobody is going to believe we’re together. You were not hands-off with Max,” he reminded her unnecessarily. “And Nikki knows my sexual habits well.”

Penelope couldn’t help pulling a face at that. “Please don’t make me throw up next to the food,” she muttered in Spanish so he wouldn’t understand her.

“That’s why I’m saying we need rules. Boundaries we agree on in advance, so we both know what’s okay, what we’re comfortable with. So we don’t get...confused.”

“Alright, alright, I gotcha.” Schneider nodded and grabbed a stack of napkins, thanking the man running the stand with casual Spanish that made her eyebrows fly up. _When did that happen?_

Schneider dug a pen out of his pocket--she wasn’t going to ask why he was carrying a pen--and scrawled ‘Rules’ at the top of the first napkin. “So, what do we both think is okay?”

“Handholding,” she started with. They’d done that already, anyway, as friends. That wasn’t even weird anymore. _It’d be weird to know that everybody else thought it meant more than it did, but what about faking a romance with her best friend wouldn’t be weird?_

“Casual touching,” Schneider offered up, waiting for her nod before he added it beneath handholding. They’d been like that with each other since he became part of the family--and if Penelope was honest with herself, she was more affectionate with him than he was with her, anyway. It was just how she was.

“Now, about kissing,” Schneider said, looking at her across the snack counter they were using as a writing desk, as though she might hit him.

“Yeah.” Penelope bit her bottom lip, thinking it over. “You’re right. If we’re going to do this, we have to be willing to sell it. We’re both adults, and if it were a real relationship, we would be...physical, with each other.”

The way she stumbled over the word, over the thought--the way her mind pushed back against the idea of seeing Schneider that way, accepting him as a person who was also a man capable of being sexy and attractive? She couldn’t really explain it. But she also couldn’t avoid it anymore.

“So, how about this? We’ve already kissed. Back there.” She waved behind them, feeling like such a dork, but pressed onward. “It went okay, right? The world didn’t end. We’re fine.”

Schneider watched her, his forehead furrowed. “I agree.”

“So let’s say that kissing is okay. Within the rules. That’ll make this look like our other relationships. Not suspicious. But we should have a signal that means back off, if it’s too much for either of us.”

He considered it for a moment. “That's good. It could be something subtle, like pressing on the inside of your wrist. Gets your attention, but not anybody else’s.”

She tried to imagine that playing out in her head, her heart skittering past the picture of actually kissing Schneider, and nodded. “Yeah, that should work.”

Schneider’s pen hesitated after he added that, hovering over the napkin. “What about forehead kisses?”

She didn’t know why that seemed important, the way he said it, or why he even asked, when they’d basically just agreed to regular public makeouts, but she smiled a little, trying to reassure whatever part of him made it sound wobbly.

“Sure. Forehead kisses are fine.” 

Penelope took a deep breath. “Okay, Schneider, this is the biggest sticking point for me.” She jabbed a finger into his designer t-shirt clad chest. “We cannot tell anybody that this is fake. Nobody.”

“Alright.”

“I mean it. Not even my family. If we’re going to do this, really do this, then you have to willing to fake it with my _Mami,_ with Alex, everybody. I do not want them judging this decision, it was bad enough that my mom had a stroke when Max and I broke up. And Elena’s so far away, I wouldn’t even know how to explain lying about something this huge without basically telling her it’s okay to lie--and she’s in London! Who knows what she could be lying about all the way over there?”

“Take a breath,” Schneider told her, and waited while she did, his hands on her forearms. He watched her settle back down before he answered her.

“It’s fine. It’s a pact. This won’t be the first time we’ve kept each other’s secrets, right? It’s just that this time we have the same one.”

“Okay, so you think you can do it. Not gossip with anybody about this.”

He mimed zipping his lips shut and throwing the key away. “When your mom presses me for information, I’ll just redirect her using the Force.”

Penelope rolled her eyes, and his dramatic gasp got the attention of the people in line next to them. 

“Don’t tell me you’re not a Star Wars fan. Come on. They’re foundational for our generation. They changed the face of the movie industry forever. I know the first one can be a little slow, but they’re so worth it.”

“I’ve...actually never seen it.” 

“How is that possible? Elena’s a total scifi geek, and Alex loves superheroes. You raised those kids.”

“I didn’t raise them alone! Victor watched Star Wars with them. I never had to.”

“It’s not something you do because you have to,” Schneider replied, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Well, if we could get back on track here,” Penelope said, pointing to the napkin. “Magical space movie powers aside, you’re gonna hold up okay against my nosy family?”

He shrugged. “You’re fake-dating an addict, remember? I used to be an expert at this. Lying is muscle memory.”

Shifting gears, he thought out loud. “We’ll have to make sure we’re all over each other when we chaperone Homecoming this year. Definitely can’t let that opportunity go to waste.”

“Yeah, because dances are a pretty key ingredient to romance,” she agreed, not bothering to keep the bite out of her words. “You just want to have your ‘nobody puts Baby in the corner’ moment to show off for Nikki.”

“My what?”

“Your Patrick Swayze dance movie thing.”

He shook his head, and she scoffed. 

“Dirty Dancing, Schneider. The lift, above his head? The singing along to the song?”

“I haven’t watched that. Heard it’s good though.”

“Oh my god, in what world have you watched the Star Wars movies but not Dirty Dancing? It’s a classic.”

“Fine.” Schneider put pen to paper again, showing her the napkin, where he’d added ‘Star Wars + Dirty Dancing double feature’ on their must-haves list.

Penelope laughed. “Okay.”

“We’re in agreement about the dance, though, right?” He checked with pen in hand. “If my side of our deal is to convince Nikki that I’m relationship material, the romantic parts are important. She needs to see my smooth moves on the dance floor. She needs to see me romancing you.”

It felt risky. It felt stupid.

Going out with him was just like hanging out as friends, with more affection. Faking it to make Nikki jealous would be kind of fun because she couldn’t stand Nikki, and it should help keep Max at arm’s length where she needed him to be.

Faking it for her family would be harder, but not impossible.

But pretending to be a couple at Homecoming?

The last time she went to Homecoming was with Max. The idea hurt. And scared her a little. _Did she want to pretend that Schneider was her boyfriend under genuinely romantic circumstances?_

_Was there any universe in which that would be a good idea?_

She doubted it.

He was not wrong about the logic behind it, though. So she nodded, and kept her thoughts to herself.

“I can bring you flowers a lot,” Schneider decided. “To your work, to the house, everywhere.”

Penelope was about to say how romantic and sweet that was, until Schneider finished the thought with, “Nikki hates it when I get romantic with her, so maybe seeing how much you appreciate it will change her mind about what a good boyfriend I could be.”

“You have to visit me at work!” She blurted out, remembering it at the last minute.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. Like, lunch visits to stop in and say hi, or maybe picking me up after my shifts sometimes. Especially when I have my residency days at the hospital.”

“Oh. Right, right, right. Gotcha. Make him jealous. That’ll be a good time for the flower drop offs,” he noted, jotting it down on the list. “Now here’s the big one for me. You have to make time for a standing Friday night date, and you have to come with me to Alex’s first travel game.”

“What? No way! Schneider, you know how busy I am. You take him on travel games because I can’t. And I don’t have time to date for real, why would I--”

“Because, Penelope.” He drew her name out for emphasis. “If you want to make your family think this is real, then we have to date. Otherwise they will **not** buy it. No chance.”

“But the travel game? Those are overnight. Are you saying we’d have to share a bed, and...”

“It’s not a proposition,” Schneider said patiently. “You know what Alex’s travel games are like for me. I take him, he plays, he hangs out with his friends, and Nikki hits on me from the moment we arrive to the moment we leave again.”

“Oh.” _Yes, okay, he had probably mentioned that,_ Penelope thought, _but she didn’t exactly make Schneider’s love life a priority when it came to her limited brainspace._

“So, if we’re saying we’re a couple, and you don’t come on the travel games--at least the first one, to make a statement--then Nikki’s first move will be to show up at my door at 2am. If we want this to work, I need Nikki’s booty call to be met with your sexy girlfriend energy, like a forcefield that reminds her I can do better.”

Penelope couldn’t decide if she wanted to be be offended at the idea that her value lay in being a girlfriend-shaped buzzkill...or if she was weirdly flattered that he saw her presence as enough to make Nikki feel inferior.

There was no choice there that made her feel less gross as a person, so she shrugged and moved on.

“I get it. With Elena overseas and my job a little less hectic, I should be able to swing a travel game. We’ll trade off sharing the bed.”

“Noted.”

It was ages away. There was no way they’d still be trying to win over/repel their exes by then.

_No chance._

She held out her hand for the pen and initialed the napkin, watching as he did so after.

“We should get snacks to take back to my mom,” Penelope decided, uncharacteristically.

Not that **any** of this was really characteristic of her. But it would help stop her _Mami_ from blasting questions at them right away when they got back, and even a few seconds breathing room would be a blessing.

Schneider paid for all the food.

She chose not to argue. Her head hurt. She had a rich boyfriend now. Fake boyfriend.

_Whatever._

He had money and she was all out of energy for negotiating. Plus, Schneider’s smile when she waved at him to go ahead and cover the cost was almost worth it.

He so wanted to share and help and offer himself up to everyone else.

As fake boyfriends went, she could do much worse.

****

As soon as they passed their additional snacks to her mom and cheered Alex, who was finally up at bat, Schneider took full advantage of his hands being free.

Penelope had agreed to the lie, but that didn’t mean she knew exactly how to fake a relationship. _Where was she supposed to start?_

Schneider had no such confusion, at least that she could see. He shifted himself closer than he usually stood at Alex’s games, and slung one arm over her shoulder so she was snuggled up against his side until it was time to cheer and try the wave.

It did feel very couple-y, she decided. He was good at this.

Nikki was glaring at them from her own seat, and every time Penelope caught it in the corner of her eye, it made her feel vindicated. Schneider deserved better, and lord knew why he was even hoping to convince Nikki to be his girlfriend at all, but since he was…well, that was Penelope’s best friend that Nikki liked to treat like dirt.

She took some joy in pissing off the woman who had dented his heart.

The daggers her _Mami_ was shooting at both of them, the silent fuming and the restrained tension radiating off Lydia, Penelope knew that would last as long as Alex’s game did.

So, much like Schneider next to her, she just kept going through the motions. He focused on being her boyfriend now, and she focused on being the supportive mom for her talented sports kid, and she knew that Hurricane Lydia would land on them both as soon as they got home.

She was pretty sure the only reason her _Mami_ didn’t explode even sooner than that was because it would’ve been dangerous to them driving home, and with her precious grandson in the car she wouldn’t risk it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "One Foot" by Walk the Moon.


	6. and my brain is saying simmer down (keep your voices quiet, not too loud)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope and Schneider reveal their new relationship to Lydia and Alex, but Penelope decides not to tell Elena. When Schneider arrives to take Penelope out, he interrupts their videochat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the last chapter that I wrote during last year's Nanowrimo! Time to dig in and draft some new ones, me. Thanks for every comment, you guys. <3

“Okay you two,” Lydia said before Penelope had even shut the door behind them all. She threw both arms out, a human barrier to any member of the family moving past her spot in the living room. “Tell me what is going on right now.”

“ _Abuelita?_ What’s going on?”

Alex'd had a good game, so while the silence on the way home was tense, it didn’t prepare him for whatever was currently happening.

“That is what we are going to find out, _Papito._ Your _Mami_ and Schneider, they are...I do not know what they are, but they are something. They have been keeping it a secret from us!”

“Keeping... **what** a secret?”

“They kissed! While you were at the bat.”

“Aw, man! I got a great hit off that last pitch. You missed it?” He looked at their guilty faces before catching up.

“Wait. You kissed?!? Like, the two of you?” He pointed to his mom. “You and Schneider?”

“Yes. Okay. Yes, we did.”

“We didn’t want the family to find out this way,” Schneider interjected, trying to take some of the pressure off her. She shot him a grateful look. _Plus, what he was saying was true. Technically._

“Yeah. I know this might be a surprise, but Schneider and I are...dating.” She reached over and held his hand. “And I’m sure that you will both have lots of opinions about that, but we’re all free until dinner so you know what? Go for it. Let’s get it all out there.”

Schneider took the cushion next to her, their hands still clasped, and Lydia watched them for another moment before she shook her head.

“Eh.”

Penelope gaped at her mom as Lydia waved her hands dismissively and went into the kitchen to fix Alex a snack.

Even more alarmingly, her son looked ready to follow her. “Alex!” Penelope gestured at him, then at the floor near the couch, calling him back. “You don’t have anything you want to ask, or say?”

“Not really.” 

“Oh. Okay.” She stared at Schneider, eyes wide and helpless.

“You’re not, I don’t know, surprised?” he ventured.

“No. Should I be?”

Alex, with the usual level of cool radiating off of him, shifted in his baseball cleats and rolled his eyes. “You’re always hugging and stuff, and you’re already in the family. It kind of felt inevitable.”

Lydia was vocalizing in the kitchen to mambo music, but she waved a wooden spoon in agreement with Alex’s words before returning to the stove.

As soon as Alex headed to his room to change and her _Mami’s_ back was turned, Penelope snatched her hand away. _What the hell was wrong with her family? What was she supposed to do with that reaction?_

Schneider looked as baffled as she felt, and sat silently beside her, scrolling on his phone until dinner.

Lydia waited until the food was ready before she returned to the subject.

“So, _mija._ Does Elena know?”

“About--oh.” _Nice job, Penelope. If you’re going to have a fake boyfriend, maybe try to make it seem like you remember that._ “No, _Mami,_ I haven’t told her yet. I didn’t want to tell her such big news in a text. It can wait 'til the next time we videochat.”

_It could wait forever,_ she thought, shrinking from the very idea of that conversation. Alex was perpetually in his own world--as long as the people he loved were okay, he was content to leave them alone and do his own thing. But Elena had opinions. She was affected by the lives and the choices of everyone around her, and this involved two of the most stable adult presences in her world.

It had seemed like a much better idea before Penelope really thought about how it could rock Elena’s foundations. Telling her that her mom and Schneider were dating? Lying to her, to tell her that?

It was horrible.

_Unless...what if Penelope said nothing at all?_

Elena didn’t have to be baffled and shocked, or upset over being kept out of the loop like her _Abuelita,_ if she never knew it was happening. The contract could be over before she came home from her semester away; she would hear about it secondhand and Penelope could explain it then.

The only other kind way to handle it would be to tell Elena the truth, Penelope knew, to make her the one person who knew it was all a sham.

_Hi baby, how’s London? Have you seen the big clock yet? Is it really that big? Oh yeah, by the way, I’m dating Schneider now, in case your brother or your_ Abuelita _happen to mention that in one of your texts or conversations._

_Yeah, I know that sounds crazy. You probably feel really confused, but I have good news for you, it’s all fake!!_

_That’s right. It’s an elaborate conspiracy that Schneider and I came up with over ice cream and baseball because I wanted to avoid Max and he needed to make Nikki jealous._

She sighed and shook her head, tucking that conundrum away until Sunday, when she and Elena planned to talk. Maybe when they got on the call, she would know what to do.

****

By the time her phone buzzed on Sunday evening, Penelope had begun to worry Elena wasn't going to call.

“Hey, Mom,” her daughter said, beaming through the tiny screen. “Sorry, I know I’m late. I just realized I got the time zones off--still working on that.”

“Baby, it’s fine. I'm just happy to see you. Tell me everything about your week. How are your classes? What have you gotten to see? What do you think of the food?”

Elena laughed. “Slow down! I can only answer one question at a time. Let’s see, my classes are good. Really interesting, a totally different style than I’m used to--but in a fun way. I’m still having to catch myself when I start to panic, about being so out of my element. I think I’m doing okay though.”

“That’s good. You’re supposed to have fun, not just try to ace your classes,” Penelope agreed. “Not that you should be aiming for less than acing your classes!”

Striking that balance between encouragement and adding to her daughter’s anxious tendencies was still a work-in-progress, Penelope thought to herself, smiling at Elena. “I miss you, _mija._ ”

“I miss you too--all of you. We went on a tour this week,” she added, with no attempt at a segue. 

It was refreshing to see Elena overflowing with excitement, unable to hold it all in--a welcome change from her glum mood since her breakup. Penelope nodded along. 

“A tour of what?”

“Oh, well, it was with my Religious History class, so it was a lot of old religious buildings, mostly. Landmarks and functioning spaces. Alex would have hated it, there wasn’t a single good selfie backdrop. But I had a blast. We saw Southwark Cathedral!”

“Ah. Cool,” she said, trying to remember if she should know what that was. 

“It’s from Doctor Who, Mom.” Elena’s quirked lips were patronizing, but only a little. “The Tenth Doctor was there in an episode, and I couldn’t believe how big it seemed even in person. You expect movie magic, you know? But it was just...really cool.”

The quiet awe in her tone carried through the videochat. Apparently her daughter was in fact picking up culture and independent experiences overseas, just like she was supposed to. Penelope ignored the pang of separation in response and focused on the pride underneath it. 

“So you went to a Doctor Who church, where else?”

“It’s not a Doctor Who church, Mom, there’s no such thing. Though if there were, I’d seriously consider joining. Sadly, none of the other spots on the tour were show locations, at least not today. I’m pretty sure the exchange student group events will do more of the classic tourist stuff while we’re here. Which should cover some Who basics. Buckingham Palace, Tower of London, London Eye...”

She trailed off, looking away from the screen. 

“Is somebody there? Do you need to go?”

“No.” Elena shook her head. “No, I’m fine. How are you, by the way? You aimed so many questions at me, I want to know what I’ve been missing.”

Penelope had already decided to keep the conversation focused on Elena, to avoid any slip-ups about her new arrangement with Schneider. But with the way Elena was focused slightly past her, eyes a little glassy, she had a good reason to now. 

“You’re not missing anything, everything’s boring and the same here. Your _Abuelita_ may be planning to turn your bedroom into a shoe closet, but I’ll hold her off until you get back. Don’t try to change the subject though--I can see you, Elena. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, Mom. I just had a second where, well...the London Eye is one of Syd’s bucket list items. They--we--talked about it a lot. Before. I think seeing it on the tour with the other exchange kids is going to be hard.”

She held back a sympathetic sigh, remembering how much it hurt to lose someone at Elena’s age. Even her last adult breakup was so hard that it was still haunting her.

“Oh, honey, I understand. Breakups come with moments like that, I promise. It’s normal.”

“I really would rather talk about anything else. Please.”

”Okay.” It had been so easy for her _Mami_ to make Penelope’s relationship woes worse without even meaning to, when she was a teenager. Now that she was the mom, treading lightly was the best she could do. “Why don’t you tell me about the food, then?”

Elena was in the middle of describing a dinner she’d had at a pub called The Ivy House when Schneider opened Penelope’s bedroom door. 

”Hello, privacy!” she snapped at him, tugging a throw blanket over her toes as though he’d caught her in a compromised position. Really, she was just startled. Schneider never knocked on the front door but he still knocked on her door, most of the time. He wasn’t completely oblivious to boundaries.

”Hello, person who didn’t respond to my texts,” he replied, unfazed. “Hello, Elena.”

”Hey Schneider.” She waved across the continents, matching his grin. 

”In case it escaped your attention,” Penelope pointed out, “I haven’t replied to--or read yet--your texts, because we were busy catching up.”

”Well, it’s not like you told me,” he said. “Six messages, Pen. I thought maybe you were standing me up.”

She froze, aiming her coldest look his way but keeping it below a glare that Elena could catch long-distance and wonder about. 

“Ha, very funny. Of course I’m not standing you up,” she said, hoping Elena would interpret that to mean _if I were, it could mean we’d planned a date, which is a funny and impossible idea_ while Schneider would know she meant something else entirely.

”Hey, gimme the phone,” he said, ignoring Penelope's careful parsing of words and taking her pocket-sized daughter right out of her hands. 

”How’s life in jolly old England?” Schneider asked Elena, his gaze flicking to Penelope, who started gesturing wildly as soon as Elena was out of sight. 

_Do. Not. Tell. Her._ She mouthed, punctuating the words with a mimed zipping of her lips. He watched her and then went back to chatting with Elena with no reaction at all, leaving Penelope panicking. Leave it to Schneider to let the secret out. It would be even worse if Elena found out from him when Penelope had completely avoided the subject, wouldn’t it? Maybe she should come clean now, while he was there. Safety in numbers. 

”Yeah, your mom and I are gonna go grab dinner,” she heard him say, and she squeezed her hands into fists, calming down on purpose. “There’s this place on Sunset I wanna try.”

”It’s a vegan hipster place, isn’t it?” Elena fake-groaned through the phone, like he was still the most embarrassing adult she had ever met. “Schneider, organic local food is fantastic, but you have got to start looking outside the box for places that aren’t trendy. You know where I had dinner last night?”

Penelope took advantage of that moment to snatch her phone back. “And as I’ve heard this story already, I think now might be a good time to say goodnight, honey. You can talk Schneider’s ear off about the superiority of legacy recipes and family-owned bars another time. Preferably while I am very far away.”

”I’ll have you know, though,” Schneider interjected, leaning over so his face was partly in the frame next to Penelope’s, “that we’re getting Italian tonight. Your mom has very kindly agreed to give me her opinion cuz I’m still trying to find a new Italian fave ever since La Vite Blu had that little rat problem.”

”Ew, your old favorite place used to have rats?” Elena shuddered. 

”No, not rats like the animal. It had ties to the mob, apparently--somebody told the authorities, and bing bang boom, no more La Vite Blu.”

”You are so weird.” Elena swallowed hard, offering them a slightly trembling smile. “You guys have fun at dinner though, okay? If you like it, maybe I can come with next time, when I’m back. I miss you.”

”We miss you too.” Schneider put his arm around Penelope and she leaned back against it a little, comforted. Her baby was so far away, and not all the way grown yet after all. 

”Call or text if you need anything, okay? And keep checking in. I love you, Elena.”

”Love you too, Mom. Bye, Schneider.”

The screen went dark, before lighting back up to tell Penelope that she had six text messages.

”Jeez, you weren’t kidding. You know where I live, Schneider...obviously,” she added, gesturing around her bedroom. “There was no need to freak out because it took me a minute to get back to you.”

”I wasn’t freaking out.” He walked away, his voice carrying back to her as he headed for the living room. “I was just trying to make sure we were still on the same page.”

She followed him, still annoyed but unable to articulate why. Was it the barging into her room? Because that was rare, but not unprecedented. Was it the way he told Elena about dinner? Because Elena’s comment about joining them made it seem like she’d missed any possible date implications. And when Penelope thought back, all Schneider said was that they’d be eating dinner together. They did that all the time.

”Well, I have to get ready,” she said, emerging from the hallway to find him standing next to the dining room table. 

There were flowers sitting on it. Once he realized she was there, Schneider picked the bouquet up off the table and held it out. “For you.”

“Uh. Thanks.” She glanced around them, then stared back down at the flowers. “You know, nobody can see your romantic gesture, right? Kinda ruins the public effect.”

“Well, it would be a little weird if we walked into the restaurant together and then I handed them to you. But it’s our first date. It seemed appropriate.”

Now he was watching her, she could feel it. Trying to tell if she was about to get upset over his attempt at a nice gesture, Penelope guessed. Her temper tended to hit him harder than the members of her family who shared her quick moods. 

She gave in to the desire to lift them to her nose, breathing in for a long moment. They smelled like springtime, if it were springtime in a Disney movie. Sweet, but also earthy.

“I love them,” she said honestly. “Thank you.”

Schneider beamed, bouncing on his heels a little. “You’re welcome.”

“Okay,” she decided, “now I have to get ready and I have to put these in a vase. Give me a few minutes, okay?”

“No problem.” 

Schneider sat on her couch in her empty apartment, perfectly at home while Penelope arranged the flowers in the family’s only vase. She was already trying to decide what to wear, now that his flowery touch had her feeling a competitive need to up her own standards. Her mind was so focused on the contents of her closet that she didn’t stop to read the card tucked into the bright bouquet.

Whatever nerves she was now feeling about their first fake date night, it didn’t seem like Schneider shared them. Penelope was pretty sure that as she went back to her room, she heard him pulling up a video on his phone about London’s best lesser-known pubs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from "Oceansize" by Oh Wonder.

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this idea for two years, guys. Two **years.** The concept and the need to perfect it has grown impossibly large in my head, beyond reasonable expectations. So it's time to let it go and see what happens. 
> 
> Story title is a reference to the movie that inspired this AU, which was itself adapted from a book by Jenny Han.


End file.
